Chocolate Brownies by Nigella, slightly rewritten

This version of Nigella’s recipe came to me from my friend Edwina. I laughed till I cried. Enjoy.

225g dark chocolate (70% cocoa solids), 225g butter (just wipe the other 25g left in the packet straight onto your hips), 2 teaspoons vanilla extract, 200g caster sugar, 3 eggs, 150g ground almonds, 100g chopped walnuts.  Oven 170 degrees C.
1. Melt choc and butter over low heat in a heavy based saucepan.  Toss hair and simper sexily whilst poking with a wooden spoon.  Envisage oneself as true domestic goddess.  Help children to practice their mandarin or quadratic equations.
2. Take pan off heat, try to mix in vanilla and sugar.  Realise that your pan is too small and transfer mixture to large bowl.  Spill half of mixture randomly.  Answer the door and the phone.  ensure chocolatey goo is transferred equally between door handles, phone and your hair.  Clean up slimy sugary, mess over kitchen surface.  Lick fingers then realise that you are eating pure fat. Swear to become a vegan and live an aesthetic life.  Let mixture cool.  Slip on buttery choc mix on floor.  Swear at the dog who is trying to lick it up.  Mop up dog wee (because you shouted at her).  Wash hands.
3. Beat in the eggs, ground almonds and chopped walnuts.  Turn into 24cm square baking tin.  Hand bowl to ravenous children to lick out.  Mop brow and make large gin and tonic.  Have a cigarette on the back door step. 
4. Bake for 25 minutes.  Go to the loo ensuring you transfer chocolatey gooey mess from your slippers to stair carpet and leave ominous looking lumps of brownie mixture and skidmarks round toilet.  Have intelligent conversation about stocks and shares with rich advertising executive husband.   Middle should still be gooey (middle of brownie, not husband)
5. Cut into squares.
6. Tell children that they are only allowed penguin biscuits made from floor sweepings and e numbers and this is far too good for them.
7. Apply dressings to wounds inflicted on you by starving children.
Well, some of the above happened to me whilst I was making them!  (But not the rich advertising exec husband….)

P.S The recipe does work, really rich brownies

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